Being the Clay

I really want to blog today, I have something of an addiction for it now...a need to purge my thoughts out onto this blank screen. But I have too many thoughts whirling around in my head...they fly past my consciousness just long enough to provoke thought, but not long enough to be tamed into actual words. The more I type, the more thoughts come...I suppose I will just keep going and try to pour something out to satisfy the itch. My mind is a constant flurry of commotion. Sometimes, I wish I could still the voices that go on and on. Don't worry, I'm not crazy...it's not "those" voices. It's just...I guess we are all at war within ourselves, the battle of right and wrong. Some days, it's about laying low in the trenches and other days it's full on warfare. I rarely feel ill equipped for such battle, as I refer to my faith in God to get me through. But some days, I feel like I am left to face the world with nothing more than a toy gun. I know that it's my own insufficiency that causes me to feel this way, it's a matter of not tapping into the resources that I have. God is always there, even when we don't feel Him, we are never alone. People talk about being stronger after going through a trial, and it sounds clichéd, but it is absolutely the truth. The past two years have been the most trying of my life, but by the grace of God I am stronger than I ever thought possible. Going through certain things has caused me to step back and look at things with a whole new perspective. I have made hard choices that ripped my heart out, but I can see the difference it has made. God has to test us, He has to see what we are willing to do to be closer to Him, to reach perfection. Now, I have NOT reached perfection, not even close. But I can see His mighty hand at work in my life, honing me and shaping me into what He wants me to be. Who am I to question His great plan? He looks at me and sees the excess that needs to be cut away and He has a plan to rid me of it. It causes me pain, it tears me in two, but in the end, I will come forth as gold. It's amazing how I have come to a place of peace, even in the midst of all hell raging against me, because I know who holds my tomorrow. I  know this is all part of His plan and He only puts me through the fire because He loves me. He puts us in a lonely place, causes friends to betray us and crush us...and when we have nowhere else to look but up, He is there, where He has always been. This isn't about pity...I'm not trying to get sympathy. We all have a sad story, we all have scars and regrets, but just knowing that it was all to get you where you are today is overwhelming. Every person that has been a part of your life, every road you took, every mistake you made...it was all ordained to bring you to this place. If you can realize that, truly believe it in your soul, then nothing can conquer you. You will have a deep, settling peace wash over you and you can bask in His grace and mercy, knowing He will see you through. He has the road map, let Him lead you. And don't worry, He hasn't forgotten about the ones that hurt you and tried to destroy you. I don't believe in karma, but I am a firm believer in "what goes around, comes around" and "you reap what you sow". God doesn't allow crop failures. Justice always prevails. You are His child and He will right every wrong that was ever done to you...whether in this life, or the one to come.

This is sort of all over the place, but that's exactly where my mind is today..so I suppose I translated it well ; )