A Celebration of Motherhood

To the woman who gave me life and taught me how to live it...I love you, mom!

I didn't grow up with one of those mothers who taught me how to put on make up, or turned up the radio and sang to the top of her lungs with me in the car, or told me the best way to get guys to notice me. We didn't swap stories of our "firsts" or stay up late planning the demise of the snobby girls. No, she wasn't that kind of mother. While other mothers were driving themselves crazy, trying to make their daughter the most popular girl in school, mine was teaching me how to be a lady, telling me that throwing myself at guys wouldn't get me a Godly husband. She showed me how to be a Christian woman, wife and mother. She prayed with me at night before bed and answered all my questions about life. She listened to me when I had my struggles and she always gave me the best advice. She has always been my best and truest friend, always putting my needs before her own, sacrificing so that I could have the best. The epitome of what a true mother is. Make no mistake, we have had our wonderfully good times, laughing and shopping and sharing. We've always been very close, and now that I am a grown woman, we have even more in common. But I still respect her as my mother and I never want to only consider her a friend, when she is so much more. A friend's love will only go so far, it has it's limits...but a mother's love is endless. When I look back on my childhood, I can hear my mother's words ringing in my ear and I find myself telling my kids some of the same things. I am so thankful for a Godly mother, who was willing to work hard at being a great mom. I'm sure she has her regrets, things she would do differently. But I can honestly say, she is perfect to me. I feel so blessed to be her daughter and I hope I have made her proud to be my mother.

The most important thing I learned from my own mother is that you have to draw a line between "mom" and "friend". It is often a blurry line, which is crossed too often. I always knew I could go to my mom with anything and she would understand. But I also knew that she wouldn't pat me on the back and tell my it was alright when it wasn't. I am almost 30 years old with 2 kids of my own, and my mom will still tell me when I'm wrong. Ha! I know it's hard to be your kids' mom, when sometimes you just want to be their friend. But our kids don't need more friends, they have plenty of those. They only have one mother and if we don't fill that role, no one else will. I want my kids to know that they can talk to me about their problems, that they can trust me with their secrets. We can have fun together and be silly, we can laugh and play and make special memories. But I have to earn their respect as their mother. I have to be someone worthy of their admiration, someone they want to be like. I want to be a good example to my kids, I want to know that if they pattern their life after mine, they will be just fine. I can't simply tell them everything to do and not do, they need to see the life I live and know that I live exactly what I teach them. It is, by far, the hardest job on the planet. It takes a physical, emotional, spiritual toll on you on a daily basis. When I stop and think about my job as a mother, I am overwhelmed at the responsibility. Molding young minds into decent human beings is a tough job. Everything I do, every decision I make will affect them and have a bearing on the person they become. I know I will have regrets, I already do. I guess every mother beats herself up from time to time, feeling like a failure when we don't seem to be getting through to our kids. Consistency is the key. If they see the same thing day after day, an unwavering love, a commitment to putting their well being ahead of your own, a constant faith...they will get the picture. Even when you think it's not making a difference, it is. I love my kids to pieces and the hardest thing I have to do is to discipline them. I don't want to hurt them or upset them, but what good am I if I don't correct them when they're wrong? It's a daily struggle, a constant battle. It's up to us to mold our children into someone society will be proud of, and, more importantly, someone that God will be proud of. He has entrusted us with a most precious gift, our children. Let's make Him proud!

Matters of the Heart

If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that I am a chronic over-thinker. Analytical to my very core. Nothing is taken at face value. I am constantly digging for some deeper, hidden truth. Some little nugget of information that will solve all the mysteries of the world. Yes, I am obsessive-compulsive at times. Most of the time, actually. I can't seem to rest in what I see on the surface, especially in my own life. I feel compelled to search my soul for answers to life's biggest questions. I need answers. One common question seems to bubble to the surface repeatedly...."why?". "Why am I a Christian, why do I go to church, why do I serve God?" I am always secretly worried that my loyalty stems from obligation or fear, rather than love. I am always berating myself, hammering myself for answers, searching my heart...needing to know why I do the things I do.

I was raised in a Christian home. I was always taught to do the right thing. My parents wouldn't have tolerated any less and I never questioned that. What they said was Gospel. I reveled in the fact that they knew what was best for me and I never had to worry about making big decisions. To this day, I hate making decisions. Even in the small things, like what to make for dinner. I don't want to disappoint anyone or let them down. I ask for opinions on nearly everything. I would rather leave it up to someone else, anyone else. I guess it's a matter of not wanting the responsibility for a possible fail. Maybe that's a cowardly attribute. Maybe it's just being female. Maybe I should get back to my original thought : ) So...as I have grown up and am now raising kids of my own, I am the one who has to make decisions for them. Which means I have to know what my life means, what it's all about and why I do what I do. It becomes a matter of being in control of your own life, rather than just following house rules. Then come the questions. Being raised in church, it has never occurred to me to live any other way. Am I just aimlessly following the same path I have always traveled because it's familiar? Is it so ingrained in me that I wouldn't even  know if it was real or not? How do I know it's my own experience that keeps me straight, and not just fear? Sigh. The battle of the mind rages on. I have witnessed countless people fall over the years. People who I thought were pillars of strength, nearly infallible. And I wonder, were they just pretending all along? How can a person go for years, living a certain way, then so drastically change on a dime? It has shaken me, to say the least. You start to wonder, am I next? Will I stumble and fall, too? I can look back over my life, the times I have felt like giving in, the times I said I couldn't go on...but how can you finish something you didn't start? There is something else pushing me to go on. I can't explain it, but I know it exists. Somehow, my heart continues to beat. Through the pain, the scars, the valleys, the tears. When I am at my lowest, head hung down, tears blurring my vision...I strain to look up and there it is...that finish line. If I can just pick myself up and keep walking, there will be a reward at the end of it all. I know in my heart of hearts, it's what I want. If I have to fight every inch of the way to get there, I'll do it. So then, my fears are laid to rest. For the moment. I know I will fall and I will wonder if I am even worth God's time. Why does He bother with a wretch like me? Feelings of unworthiness cloud my mind. But I am engraved in the palms of His hand. He will pursue me as long as it takes. He won't let me go. Even when I miserably fail, make a fool of myself...He is waiting with compassion and love, ready to take me back. His promise doesn't change. No matter where I go or what I do. He is the same. His Word is the same. He is ever faithful to His promises. I know that I would serve the Lord, whether there was a Heaven to go to or not. What other kind of life is there? I have a peace in the midst of the storm, a shelter in times of trouble and a refuge in the heat of the battle. There is nothing to compare to it. I may never have the answers to all of life's questions, but there is Someone who knows it all. And as long as He is steering my ship, I have need of nothing more.

A Mother's Rant

I knew this world was crazy, but what I heard on the news this morning still caused my jaw to drop a bit. A group of mothers in New York have banned together in an attempt to - get this - ban the ice cream truck from coming into the park. Their reason? To put it bluntly, they are lazy parents who don't want the inconvenience of having to tell their child no, and hear him complain. First of all, why can't a child have the privilege of an ice cream? I fully understand the rise of obesity in our country and I understand you can't indulge your kids 24/7...but, an ice cream every once in a while isn't going to make your child fat. And come on, what kid doesn't light up at the sound of the ice cream truck? Shoot, what adult doesn't light up at the sound of the ice cream truck? There is something nostalgic in that sound, a fond memory of a simpler time. Ok, I'm not that old, but you get what I'm saying. It's iconic. It's the ICE CREAM TRUCK! I just think people get too wrapped up in outward appearances. They are too worried that their child won't be bone thin or have perfect teeth or clear skin. Of course I don't want my children to be unhealthy, I always want what's best for them. But, I want them to be healthy and happy. Kids deserve a little treat now and again. And what about the other moms, who think the ice cream truck is a nice way to treat their kids after a hot day in the park? You can't take away something special from everyone else just because a few hot heads want their way. What happened to restraint? Isn't that a lesson to teach our children? Life is all about seeing right and wrong every day and making the choice to do right. There will always be temptations in this life, learning to deal with that is crucial to a child's development. You can't just expect evil to go away, so your choice will be easy. If children grow up that way, they will not be able to function in our society. They need to know that making the choice to do the right thing is sometimes very difficult but you do it anyways. Our children are faced with good and bad every day, the only way they will get through life in one piece is if we teach them solid values at home. What happens when these mothers pass an ice cream shop? Do they go in and demand the business close up and move away because their child is too tempted? We share this planet with millions of other people. Everyone will not be happy 100% of the time, no matter what. If a little old ice cream truck is that big of a deal, go to a different park or stay home. Don't ruin it for everyone else just because you are a killjoy. If your child has a weight problem or you are genuinely concerned for their health, get a popsicle or something with less calories than ice cream. Or if you are just dead set against ice cream, which is your prerogative, just bring a different snack for your child. There are compromises sometimes. And the bottom line is YOU are the parent. If your child can't have an ice cream, tell him no and let that be the end of it! If you are that afraid of confronting your child, you have bigger issues than ice cream. The important thing in every issue we face with out children is that there is a balance. You can't go too far right or left. Just try to be reasonable about things and always keep the right attitude. I have had to tell my kids no on many occasions and it hasn't killed me - or them - yet. "No" is just as much a part of our life as "yes". The sooner they realize this, the better. Just my opinion : )

Captivated

Last night's sermon provoked quite a bit of thought today and thus, I must blog : ) It was a simple message really, yet so profound that most of us don't live it. The title was simply "Loving the Lord". I would like to preface this blog with this statement: I am in NO way trying to expound on what was preached. I am not trying to be super spiritual. I don't want any of you thinking I have a woman-preacher-spirit on me, though I have been called worse : )  I just like to pour my heart out about certain things, especially when it hits home, so here goes...

We all love Jesus. Even the drunk on the corner claims there is a God and that he loves Him. The fact is, piety has become an epidemic. People - who call themselves Christians - are walking around with their nose in the air, daring you to question their relationship with the Savior. They ease their conscience with a claim to religion, when their actions speak to an altogether different opinion. I do not speak of things I have heard, but what I have witnessed first hand. I'm not judging people, let's make that clear. But, upon looking at an apple tree and declaring that it produces apples, one has only voiced truth in the matter, not judgement. I have so far to go myself in this Christian walk, I try not to be distracted by others. I never want to be of the opinion that I am farther along than anyone else, or that my sins are any less condemning because that isn't the case. The sermon that stirred my heart was about loving Jesus, not just saying it, but really falling in love with Him. I have been guilty of vain repetitions, it's so easy to just automatically say I love the Lord. But, I started thinking about whether or not I had a real love for my Savior, a love that produced an obedience to His Word, even when it cut me to the bone. That's a sobering thought and I realized how often I have fallen short. I also realized how little I see it in others as well. We all have to look at ourselves in the mirror of the Word, but sometimes we have to glance at others to get an idea of where we are. We don't judge ourselves by someone else's standard, we are all individuals. But, if you are running a race and you never look at the other runners, you will never know where your place is, or if you need to make an adjustment. Sometimes, seeing something that isn't Christ-like in someone else's life will produce a deeper walk in our own life. We learn by our own mistakes, but also the mistakes of others. We will pray harder, live better, forgive more often. It saddened me to think that Jesus is longing for a love affair with His children, but we have closed our hearts to Him. I thought about the people that sit on a Message pew and never bother to accept the Word that is preached. They never consider for a second that the Lord is speaking to them, of all people. There is an air of hypocrisy that blows all around us, suffocates us at times. If there is one thing I never want to be, it is a hypocrite. I don't want to say one thing and live another. Seeing so much of it has left a mark on my heart, but it is a constant reminder of something I don't want to become. I want to be open and receptive to what the Lord has to say to me. It isn't pitchfork religion, we all need correction at times. I can't fully understand all of the things I have been through, but I see glimpses of the person I am becoming and it makes me thankful for my trials. I hope I can pour out the love of Jesus so much that people can't help but become saturated in it. Goodness knows, we all need more love. There will always be those pious, haughty, self righteous hypocrites out there. But there are also those precious few people that seem to be Jesus robed in flesh. Handfuls of purpose. A reminder that for every negative there is a positive, for every cloud, a silver lining and for every trial, a blessing.

Spring has Sprung...Almost : )

So, of course I am super excited that Spring is almost here. I cannot express how much I love this time of year. It's as if I have been asleep for months and all of a sudden I am awakened by the warmth of the sun...and all the sneezing : ) I'm ready for those lazy days by the pool, flip flops, the smell of sunscreen, big sunglasses, the lake, sleeping in, grilling out...there is just no better time of year! Something about the changing of the season brings about a deep change in me as well. It's almost physical. Even if I were locked in a basement for 6 months, somehow I would know it was Spring. It's just something I can feel. Maybe everyone can, or maybe I'm just weird. Winter is just such a depressing time to me...everything is dead and cold. Blah. Nature seems to sing when Spring rolls around, and rightly so. It's a reminder that nothing lasts forever, seasons change, life changes. It's God's promise to us and He shows us in the most majestic ways. I love how the trees and flowers just know when to bloom. And the grass knows when to grow. How could you look at creation and not believe there is a God? He knows just what we need, when we need it. He knows we can't endure Winter forever. He knows when we need that breath of fresh air, to see that little blade of grass peeking through the sidewalk...oh, it's just so marvelous to think of it! Ok, enough about Spring....

On another note, my baby turned 2 yesterday. I am having mixed emotions about it. I honestly never thought we would get here in one piece. It has been a long 2 years with many - indeed, many - changes and I think I have grown at least 6 inches in character : ) She really has been a bright spot in our lives. Having two children completes me in a way I didn't think was possible. It makes everything seem perfectly squared, which is just the way I like things to be. I read an article the other day written by a lady struggling with the decision to have a third child. It sounded so much like myself, I found it rather funny. It definitely got me thinking...now that Paisley is 2, it actually seems plausible. Don't get me wring, I am perfectly satisfied with 2 children and most days the very thought of being pregnant again causes a mini panic attack. I feel like we shouldn't push the envelope, we have two healthy kids, let's not try our luck. Then, there is just the slightest niggling in the back of my mind saying..."are you really done? don't you ever want to smell that sweet baby's breath again? don't you want that little finger to curl around yours? don't you want to try for a boy?". Humph. Most days, I do a good job of squashing those thoughts, especially when Paisley has single handedly emptied out the contents of my purse into the grocery buggy, or Haven has slammed her bedroom door to keep Paisley out for the 27th time. But, I try to picture our family in 10 years...Haven will have graduated high school by then, Paisley will be a pre-teen. Am I going to wish we still had a little one around? I just don't know. I think everytime you have a child, you don't really breath until they reach a certain age...I still haven't caught my breath. Come to think of it, neither has my mom, ha! Seriously though, raising kids is a tough job and I think two is plenty for us. We may regret it later...I don't know...but that's a part of life. No matter what you think you want, later on you may feel differently. I just don't see a third pregnancy in my future. At the moment, I am perfectly content. My plate is plenty full right now and my cup is running over!

Being the Clay

I really want to blog today, I have something of an addiction for it now...a need to purge my thoughts out onto this blank screen. But I have too many thoughts whirling around in my head...they fly past my consciousness just long enough to provoke thought, but not long enough to be tamed into actual words. The more I type, the more thoughts come...I suppose I will just keep going and try to pour something out to satisfy the itch. My mind is a constant flurry of commotion. Sometimes, I wish I could still the voices that go on and on. Don't worry, I'm not crazy...it's not "those" voices. It's just...I guess we are all at war within ourselves, the battle of right and wrong. Some days, it's about laying low in the trenches and other days it's full on warfare. I rarely feel ill equipped for such battle, as I refer to my faith in God to get me through. But some days, I feel like I am left to face the world with nothing more than a toy gun. I know that it's my own insufficiency that causes me to feel this way, it's a matter of not tapping into the resources that I have. God is always there, even when we don't feel Him, we are never alone. People talk about being stronger after going through a trial, and it sounds clichéd, but it is absolutely the truth. The past two years have been the most trying of my life, but by the grace of God I am stronger than I ever thought possible. Going through certain things has caused me to step back and look at things with a whole new perspective. I have made hard choices that ripped my heart out, but I can see the difference it has made. God has to test us, He has to see what we are willing to do to be closer to Him, to reach perfection. Now, I have NOT reached perfection, not even close. But I can see His mighty hand at work in my life, honing me and shaping me into what He wants me to be. Who am I to question His great plan? He looks at me and sees the excess that needs to be cut away and He has a plan to rid me of it. It causes me pain, it tears me in two, but in the end, I will come forth as gold. It's amazing how I have come to a place of peace, even in the midst of all hell raging against me, because I know who holds my tomorrow. I  know this is all part of His plan and He only puts me through the fire because He loves me. He puts us in a lonely place, causes friends to betray us and crush us...and when we have nowhere else to look but up, He is there, where He has always been. This isn't about pity...I'm not trying to get sympathy. We all have a sad story, we all have scars and regrets, but just knowing that it was all to get you where you are today is overwhelming. Every person that has been a part of your life, every road you took, every mistake you made...it was all ordained to bring you to this place. If you can realize that, truly believe it in your soul, then nothing can conquer you. You will have a deep, settling peace wash over you and you can bask in His grace and mercy, knowing He will see you through. He has the road map, let Him lead you. And don't worry, He hasn't forgotten about the ones that hurt you and tried to destroy you. I don't believe in karma, but I am a firm believer in "what goes around, comes around" and "you reap what you sow". God doesn't allow crop failures. Justice always prevails. You are His child and He will right every wrong that was ever done to you...whether in this life, or the one to come.

This is sort of all over the place, but that's exactly where my mind is today..so I suppose I translated it well ; )

All About Paisley

So, I am planning Paisley's 2nd birthday and it seems unreal to me that 2 years have passed already! In some ways, I am sad that she is already so big, mostly because she is our last one and I know there will be no more babies in the house. On the other hand, I am overjoyed that she is already 2, haha! Over the past 2 years, there have been many days when I wondered if I would make it. Every day was a battle....mentally, physically and emotionally...this pregnancy and birth really took it out of me. It's terrible to say, but with every day that passed I knew Paisley was a little older and I was a little closer to feeling normal. The pregnancy itself was a nightmare...well, to me anyways. I was nauseous almost 24/7, I had the worst acid reflux imaginable, I felt like I was going to gag all the time. I only gained 11 pounds because I could barely eat anything. I had a lot of pain and discomfort toward the end and I literally thought it would never end. When she finally got here (after the normal 9 months that every other woman goes through, even though it seemed like years) I was overyjoyed, for so many reasons! Of course, the obvious reason was HER...I was so excited to finally hold her and see what she looked like. And then there was the pure elation over the fact that the pregnancy had ended, I would finally be normal again. No more heartburn or nausea, no more sleepless nights, no more aches and pains...at least, that's what I was dumb enough to believe! The day after she was born, I started having problems. My blood pressure sky rocketed, to which the doctors and nurses completely overreacted, in my opinion. My BP had always been normal and then boom, it was high. They thought I had possibly thrown a clot to my lung or a million other horrifying things, which put a fear in me so great that, to this day, I have yet to overcome it. They kept me at the hospital for four days during which time I received 2 units of blood, and EKG, a series of blood tests that left me feeling like a pin cushion and numerous other tests as well. In the end, all was normal. I went home on BP meds as per doctor's orders and promised to check it at home regularly. When I went back for my 6 week checkup, my BP was fine and it has been ever since. I only took the meds for about 2 weeks because I knew that my high blood pressure was mostly due to the fact that I was so anxious after Paisley was born. It never did go down much in the hospital. Every time they came in to check it, I nearly had a panic attack, thinking it would be at stroke level and I would die, LOL. My mind can conjure up some doozies! So, anyways...I went home and my back pain continued, along with dizziness and extreme anxiety. The heartburn was less intense, but still there. The only thing that had changed was that I now had an infant to care for but still felt like poo. I thought that as the days progressed, I would feel better and better. Time was all I needed, right? Well, I suppose that was the case, but I never imagined it would take this much time. I still can't say I feel normal, as in, the person I used to be. But I guess I am accustomed to the "new" me by now. I still have chronic back pain and dizziness but the anxiety has lessened, thank God. Sometimes, I think about how I felt before I got pregnant and I compare it to how I feel now...it's like night and day. I guess you never bounce back from some things. Maybe being older this time around made it more difficult for me. I know my pregnancy with Haven was nothing like this, I was back to 100% within a month after having her! I wouldn't go back, even if I could, and change anything though. I wouldn't trade my little booger for anything, even if she has completely changed my life. That's what kids do...they come into your life and leave you speechless, in awe, overcome with joy....then they start crying and you realize what you've done! haha! Seriously though, I love my kids to death and I would give up anything for them, even my health or my sanity! It's been a long two years, but an incredibly joyous one as well. Paisley will definitely be what keeps me young, whether I feel like it or not! Sometimes, wonderful things come from painful experiences and it makes us thankful we went through it..I can't even imagine life without her. She is a little ray of sunshine in our world!