Being the Clay

I really want to blog today, I have something of an addiction for it now...a need to purge my thoughts out onto this blank screen. But I have too many thoughts whirling around in my head...they fly past my consciousness just long enough to provoke thought, but not long enough to be tamed into actual words. The more I type, the more thoughts come...I suppose I will just keep going and try to pour something out to satisfy the itch. My mind is a constant flurry of commotion. Sometimes, I wish I could still the voices that go on and on. Don't worry, I'm not crazy...it's not "those" voices. It's just...I guess we are all at war within ourselves, the battle of right and wrong. Some days, it's about laying low in the trenches and other days it's full on warfare. I rarely feel ill equipped for such battle, as I refer to my faith in God to get me through. But some days, I feel like I am left to face the world with nothing more than a toy gun. I know that it's my own insufficiency that causes me to feel this way, it's a matter of not tapping into the resources that I have. God is always there, even when we don't feel Him, we are never alone. People talk about being stronger after going through a trial, and it sounds clichéd, but it is absolutely the truth. The past two years have been the most trying of my life, but by the grace of God I am stronger than I ever thought possible. Going through certain things has caused me to step back and look at things with a whole new perspective. I have made hard choices that ripped my heart out, but I can see the difference it has made. God has to test us, He has to see what we are willing to do to be closer to Him, to reach perfection. Now, I have NOT reached perfection, not even close. But I can see His mighty hand at work in my life, honing me and shaping me into what He wants me to be. Who am I to question His great plan? He looks at me and sees the excess that needs to be cut away and He has a plan to rid me of it. It causes me pain, it tears me in two, but in the end, I will come forth as gold. It's amazing how I have come to a place of peace, even in the midst of all hell raging against me, because I know who holds my tomorrow. I  know this is all part of His plan and He only puts me through the fire because He loves me. He puts us in a lonely place, causes friends to betray us and crush us...and when we have nowhere else to look but up, He is there, where He has always been. This isn't about pity...I'm not trying to get sympathy. We all have a sad story, we all have scars and regrets, but just knowing that it was all to get you where you are today is overwhelming. Every person that has been a part of your life, every road you took, every mistake you made...it was all ordained to bring you to this place. If you can realize that, truly believe it in your soul, then nothing can conquer you. You will have a deep, settling peace wash over you and you can bask in His grace and mercy, knowing He will see you through. He has the road map, let Him lead you. And don't worry, He hasn't forgotten about the ones that hurt you and tried to destroy you. I don't believe in karma, but I am a firm believer in "what goes around, comes around" and "you reap what you sow". God doesn't allow crop failures. Justice always prevails. You are His child and He will right every wrong that was ever done to you...whether in this life, or the one to come.

This is sort of all over the place, but that's exactly where my mind is today..so I suppose I translated it well ; )

All About Paisley

So, I am planning Paisley's 2nd birthday and it seems unreal to me that 2 years have passed already! In some ways, I am sad that she is already so big, mostly because she is our last one and I know there will be no more babies in the house. On the other hand, I am overjoyed that she is already 2, haha! Over the past 2 years, there have been many days when I wondered if I would make it. Every day was a battle....mentally, physically and emotionally...this pregnancy and birth really took it out of me. It's terrible to say, but with every day that passed I knew Paisley was a little older and I was a little closer to feeling normal. The pregnancy itself was a nightmare...well, to me anyways. I was nauseous almost 24/7, I had the worst acid reflux imaginable, I felt like I was going to gag all the time. I only gained 11 pounds because I could barely eat anything. I had a lot of pain and discomfort toward the end and I literally thought it would never end. When she finally got here (after the normal 9 months that every other woman goes through, even though it seemed like years) I was overyjoyed, for so many reasons! Of course, the obvious reason was HER...I was so excited to finally hold her and see what she looked like. And then there was the pure elation over the fact that the pregnancy had ended, I would finally be normal again. No more heartburn or nausea, no more sleepless nights, no more aches and pains...at least, that's what I was dumb enough to believe! The day after she was born, I started having problems. My blood pressure sky rocketed, to which the doctors and nurses completely overreacted, in my opinion. My BP had always been normal and then boom, it was high. They thought I had possibly thrown a clot to my lung or a million other horrifying things, which put a fear in me so great that, to this day, I have yet to overcome it. They kept me at the hospital for four days during which time I received 2 units of blood, and EKG, a series of blood tests that left me feeling like a pin cushion and numerous other tests as well. In the end, all was normal. I went home on BP meds as per doctor's orders and promised to check it at home regularly. When I went back for my 6 week checkup, my BP was fine and it has been ever since. I only took the meds for about 2 weeks because I knew that my high blood pressure was mostly due to the fact that I was so anxious after Paisley was born. It never did go down much in the hospital. Every time they came in to check it, I nearly had a panic attack, thinking it would be at stroke level and I would die, LOL. My mind can conjure up some doozies! So, anyways...I went home and my back pain continued, along with dizziness and extreme anxiety. The heartburn was less intense, but still there. The only thing that had changed was that I now had an infant to care for but still felt like poo. I thought that as the days progressed, I would feel better and better. Time was all I needed, right? Well, I suppose that was the case, but I never imagined it would take this much time. I still can't say I feel normal, as in, the person I used to be. But I guess I am accustomed to the "new" me by now. I still have chronic back pain and dizziness but the anxiety has lessened, thank God. Sometimes, I think about how I felt before I got pregnant and I compare it to how I feel now...it's like night and day. I guess you never bounce back from some things. Maybe being older this time around made it more difficult for me. I know my pregnancy with Haven was nothing like this, I was back to 100% within a month after having her! I wouldn't go back, even if I could, and change anything though. I wouldn't trade my little booger for anything, even if she has completely changed my life. That's what kids do...they come into your life and leave you speechless, in awe, overcome with joy....then they start crying and you realize what you've done! haha! Seriously though, I love my kids to death and I would give up anything for them, even my health or my sanity! It's been a long two years, but an incredibly joyous one as well. Paisley will definitely be what keeps me young, whether I feel like it or not! Sometimes, wonderful things come from painful experiences and it makes us thankful we went through it..I can't even imagine life without her. She is a little ray of sunshine in our world!