If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that I am a chronic over-thinker. Analytical to my very core. Nothing is taken at face value. I am constantly digging for some deeper, hidden truth. Some little nugget of information that will solve all the mysteries of the world. Yes, I am obsessive-compulsive at times. Most of the time, actually. I can't seem to rest in what I see on the surface, especially in my own life. I feel compelled to search my soul for answers to life's biggest questions. I need answers. One common question seems to bubble to the surface repeatedly...."why?". "Why am I a Christian, why do I go to church, why do I serve God?" I am always secretly worried that my loyalty stems from obligation or fear, rather than love. I am always berating myself, hammering myself for answers, searching my heart...needing to know why I do the things I do.
I was raised in a Christian home. I was always taught to do the right thing. My parents wouldn't have tolerated any less and I never questioned that. What they said was Gospel. I reveled in the fact that they knew what was best for me and I never had to worry about making big decisions. To this day, I hate making decisions. Even in the small things, like what to make for dinner. I don't want to disappoint anyone or let them down. I ask for opinions on nearly everything. I would rather leave it up to someone else, anyone else. I guess it's a matter of not wanting the responsibility for a possible fail. Maybe that's a cowardly attribute. Maybe it's just being female. Maybe I should get back to my original thought : ) So...as I have grown up and am now raising kids of my own, I am the one who has to make decisions for them. Which means I have to know what my life means, what it's all about and why I do what I do. It becomes a matter of being in control of your own life, rather than just following house rules. Then come the questions. Being raised in church, it has never occurred to me to live any other way. Am I just aimlessly following the same path I have always traveled because it's familiar? Is it so ingrained in me that I wouldn't even know if it was real or not? How do I know it's my own experience that keeps me straight, and not just fear? Sigh. The battle of the mind rages on. I have witnessed countless people fall over the years. People who I thought were pillars of strength, nearly infallible. And I wonder, were they just pretending all along? How can a person go for years, living a certain way, then so drastically change on a dime? It has shaken me, to say the least. You start to wonder, am I next? Will I stumble and fall, too? I can look back over my life, the times I have felt like giving in, the times I said I couldn't go on...but how can you finish something you didn't start? There is something else pushing me to go on. I can't explain it, but I know it exists. Somehow, my heart continues to beat. Through the pain, the scars, the valleys, the tears. When I am at my lowest, head hung down, tears blurring my vision...I strain to look up and there it is...that finish line. If I can just pick myself up and keep walking, there will be a reward at the end of it all. I know in my heart of hearts, it's what I want. If I have to fight every inch of the way to get there, I'll do it. So then, my fears are laid to rest. For the moment. I know I will fall and I will wonder if I am even worth God's time. Why does He bother with a wretch like me? Feelings of unworthiness cloud my mind. But I am engraved in the palms of His hand. He will pursue me as long as it takes. He won't let me go. Even when I miserably fail, make a fool of myself...He is waiting with compassion and love, ready to take me back. His promise doesn't change. No matter where I go or what I do. He is the same. His Word is the same. He is ever faithful to His promises. I know that I would serve the Lord, whether there was a Heaven to go to or not. What other kind of life is there? I have a peace in the midst of the storm, a shelter in times of trouble and a refuge in the heat of the battle. There is nothing to compare to it. I may never have the answers to all of life's questions, but there is Someone who knows it all. And as long as He is steering my ship, I have need of nothing more.
2 comments:
Just thought I would weigh in on some of the things you wrote about. I am one of those people you talk about falling away. I exactly like you, always questioning, always wondering. That's why I stopped going to church. I felt like I was just playing pretend and hoping that I would finally understand what it was I believe. I still haven't quite got there. Here's what I know and do believe...we are all on a path, a journey, and maybe not all of us choose the easiest way and we are definitely not all supposed to get to where we are going the same way. But no matter what path I choose, no matter how rocky and bumpy or how insane the way I choose looks to others, at the end of the day, I TRULY believe that God is going to get me to the place I'M supposed to be. Experiencing what I have the past few years, I have a REALLY hard time believing the message and its beliefs are the one and only way. I had too many unanswered questions and I was let down by WAY too many message believers that I fully vested my trust in. I'm appalled at some of the behavior I have seen in the highest ranks of the message and the way believers treat other believers. There were certain demons that I fought my whole life and never believed that I could be free of, but now I am free of those things and the guilt that I felt that came along with those things. Which is crazy to me considering things I was brought up to believe. At the end of the day, I want my relationship with God to be about me and HIM and no one else and in doing that, I believe he's going to get me where I need to be. One of my favorite things that has come about in all this is the grace I feel for other people. I used to be EXTREMELY critical of others and what they were doing, and now I realize that the very things I was criticizing were really things that I struggled with myself or things that I was secretly wanting to do myself. I've been through so much in the past few years and I really like who I am on the other side of all this. I know I am powerless, that God is totally in control, and I'm content in that.
I used to be very judgemental myself, but I have been through a TON of stuff over the past couple of years, too. It has brought me to a place where I can truly feel for people and what they're going through. I can honestly say that I don't look at people the same as I used to. I know that God has molded character in me through my adversity. I don't label people anymore. I have come to the conclusion that everyone will get where they're going, somehow, someway. I am happy with the person I have become through all my trials and that's what's important. Everyone's relationship with God is personal, not for anyone else to worry about. That's something God has been teaching me for a long time...focus on yourself, not everyone around you. One you learn to do that, you'll go places you never thought possible!
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