Matters of the Heart

If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that I am a chronic over-thinker. Analytical to my very core. Nothing is taken at face value. I am constantly digging for some deeper, hidden truth. Some little nugget of information that will solve all the mysteries of the world. Yes, I am obsessive-compulsive at times. Most of the time, actually. I can't seem to rest in what I see on the surface, especially in my own life. I feel compelled to search my soul for answers to life's biggest questions. I need answers. One common question seems to bubble to the surface repeatedly...."why?". "Why am I a Christian, why do I go to church, why do I serve God?" I am always secretly worried that my loyalty stems from obligation or fear, rather than love. I am always berating myself, hammering myself for answers, searching my heart...needing to know why I do the things I do.

I was raised in a Christian home. I was always taught to do the right thing. My parents wouldn't have tolerated any less and I never questioned that. What they said was Gospel. I reveled in the fact that they knew what was best for me and I never had to worry about making big decisions. To this day, I hate making decisions. Even in the small things, like what to make for dinner. I don't want to disappoint anyone or let them down. I ask for opinions on nearly everything. I would rather leave it up to someone else, anyone else. I guess it's a matter of not wanting the responsibility for a possible fail. Maybe that's a cowardly attribute. Maybe it's just being female. Maybe I should get back to my original thought : ) So...as I have grown up and am now raising kids of my own, I am the one who has to make decisions for them. Which means I have to know what my life means, what it's all about and why I do what I do. It becomes a matter of being in control of your own life, rather than just following house rules. Then come the questions. Being raised in church, it has never occurred to me to live any other way. Am I just aimlessly following the same path I have always traveled because it's familiar? Is it so ingrained in me that I wouldn't even  know if it was real or not? How do I know it's my own experience that keeps me straight, and not just fear? Sigh. The battle of the mind rages on. I have witnessed countless people fall over the years. People who I thought were pillars of strength, nearly infallible. And I wonder, were they just pretending all along? How can a person go for years, living a certain way, then so drastically change on a dime? It has shaken me, to say the least. You start to wonder, am I next? Will I stumble and fall, too? I can look back over my life, the times I have felt like giving in, the times I said I couldn't go on...but how can you finish something you didn't start? There is something else pushing me to go on. I can't explain it, but I know it exists. Somehow, my heart continues to beat. Through the pain, the scars, the valleys, the tears. When I am at my lowest, head hung down, tears blurring my vision...I strain to look up and there it is...that finish line. If I can just pick myself up and keep walking, there will be a reward at the end of it all. I know in my heart of hearts, it's what I want. If I have to fight every inch of the way to get there, I'll do it. So then, my fears are laid to rest. For the moment. I know I will fall and I will wonder if I am even worth God's time. Why does He bother with a wretch like me? Feelings of unworthiness cloud my mind. But I am engraved in the palms of His hand. He will pursue me as long as it takes. He won't let me go. Even when I miserably fail, make a fool of myself...He is waiting with compassion and love, ready to take me back. His promise doesn't change. No matter where I go or what I do. He is the same. His Word is the same. He is ever faithful to His promises. I know that I would serve the Lord, whether there was a Heaven to go to or not. What other kind of life is there? I have a peace in the midst of the storm, a shelter in times of trouble and a refuge in the heat of the battle. There is nothing to compare to it. I may never have the answers to all of life's questions, but there is Someone who knows it all. And as long as He is steering my ship, I have need of nothing more.

A Mother's Rant

I knew this world was crazy, but what I heard on the news this morning still caused my jaw to drop a bit. A group of mothers in New York have banned together in an attempt to - get this - ban the ice cream truck from coming into the park. Their reason? To put it bluntly, they are lazy parents who don't want the inconvenience of having to tell their child no, and hear him complain. First of all, why can't a child have the privilege of an ice cream? I fully understand the rise of obesity in our country and I understand you can't indulge your kids 24/7...but, an ice cream every once in a while isn't going to make your child fat. And come on, what kid doesn't light up at the sound of the ice cream truck? Shoot, what adult doesn't light up at the sound of the ice cream truck? There is something nostalgic in that sound, a fond memory of a simpler time. Ok, I'm not that old, but you get what I'm saying. It's iconic. It's the ICE CREAM TRUCK! I just think people get too wrapped up in outward appearances. They are too worried that their child won't be bone thin or have perfect teeth or clear skin. Of course I don't want my children to be unhealthy, I always want what's best for them. But, I want them to be healthy and happy. Kids deserve a little treat now and again. And what about the other moms, who think the ice cream truck is a nice way to treat their kids after a hot day in the park? You can't take away something special from everyone else just because a few hot heads want their way. What happened to restraint? Isn't that a lesson to teach our children? Life is all about seeing right and wrong every day and making the choice to do right. There will always be temptations in this life, learning to deal with that is crucial to a child's development. You can't just expect evil to go away, so your choice will be easy. If children grow up that way, they will not be able to function in our society. They need to know that making the choice to do the right thing is sometimes very difficult but you do it anyways. Our children are faced with good and bad every day, the only way they will get through life in one piece is if we teach them solid values at home. What happens when these mothers pass an ice cream shop? Do they go in and demand the business close up and move away because their child is too tempted? We share this planet with millions of other people. Everyone will not be happy 100% of the time, no matter what. If a little old ice cream truck is that big of a deal, go to a different park or stay home. Don't ruin it for everyone else just because you are a killjoy. If your child has a weight problem or you are genuinely concerned for their health, get a popsicle or something with less calories than ice cream. Or if you are just dead set against ice cream, which is your prerogative, just bring a different snack for your child. There are compromises sometimes. And the bottom line is YOU are the parent. If your child can't have an ice cream, tell him no and let that be the end of it! If you are that afraid of confronting your child, you have bigger issues than ice cream. The important thing in every issue we face with out children is that there is a balance. You can't go too far right or left. Just try to be reasonable about things and always keep the right attitude. I have had to tell my kids no on many occasions and it hasn't killed me - or them - yet. "No" is just as much a part of our life as "yes". The sooner they realize this, the better. Just my opinion : )